Inferring Celtics Owner Steve Pagliuca's Political Views

On September 14, it was reported that Boston Celtics owner Steve Pagliuca is considering a campaign for the Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat vacated by the death of Sen. Edward Kennedy. Pagliuca has no background in politics, but the managing director of Bain Capital HAS served on the NBA board of governors. Despite his lack of political experience, WBZ reports that a “top adviser” has confirmed that Pagliuca is very well-versed “with the two big issues today: health care and the economy.”

But don't you want to know his views before you vote for him? I know not everybody is like I am... I would vote for Rick Pitino if he ran for Senator, no matter what his views were, no matter how poor his actions have been, just because he was at one point affiliated with the Boston Celtics. So let’s find out what Pagliuca's stances are on a few major political issues, before you make the same mistake I would by voting for an undeserving candidate…

Education

Education? Who needs education? Pagliuca is fine with people getting a high school diploma, but cares little about secondary education. His team’s starting five is composed entirely of players who never graduated college, with two players (Kendrick Perkins and Kevin Garnett) having never taken a single college class. Pagliuca has a reason to doubt education, though… arguably his smartest player— Garnett – never stepped foot on a college campus, while his dumbest player – Tony Allen – graduated from Oklahoma St. with a degree in, you guessed it, education.

The economy

As stated by the “top adviser” in WBZ’s report, Pagliuca has a lot of experience with the economy. How much? Well, in a time of cost-cutting and recession, Pagliuca and his Boston Celtics co-owners have somehow managed to secure $97,059,082 worth of salaries (including luxury tax, according to Celtics Hub). If you want budget cuts, I wouldn’t expect Pagliuca to be your guy. He does use his money wisely, though – this summer, after seeing the Celtics’ thin frontcourt decimated by injuries, he signed Rasheed Wallace and Marquis Daniels and re-signed Glen Davis.

Health care

After last year’s injury bug derailed the Celtics’ title hopes, it is pretty clear that Pagliuca is a huge advocate of health care reform. Kendrick Perkins, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen were all hindered by health issues during last year’s playoffs, and Kevin Garnett and Leon Powe suffered season-ending injuries. Pagliucaa may not have any political background, but he sure as hell knows he doesn’t want Garnett missing any more time this season. At the same time, he isn’t in favor of a nation-wide health care reform… he actually would like to ban health care entirely in L.A., Cleveland, Orlando, and San Antonio.

Gay marriage

Anybody who watched James Posey’s homo-erotic pregame hugs last season knows that Pagliuca is in favor of gay marriage. In fact, he might even be in favor of public gay porn. Pagliuca is a big believer that well-timed (read: pre-game) homo-erotic hugs and in effect, gay marriages, actually prepare and focus the mind to perform to the best of an individual’s abilities. He even noted that he’s been prodding Kevin Garnett to consider gay marriage, thinking it would help him regain the magic of 2008.

Capital punishment

Pagliuca has gone on the record to admit that he is not in favor of capital punishment… unless the criminal in question happens to be a Lakers fan. Then, even for petty crimes such as jaywalking, Pagliuca suggests capital punishment is the only way to rid the world of such scum. He also has stated, "I hope all jaywalking Lakers fans burn in hell."

Second Amendment

The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution gives citizens the right to keep and bear arms. Just in case you forgot, potential Senator Pagliuca would like to remind you that he once employed Sebastian Telfair. In case anybody still doesn’t know Senator Pagliuca’s stance on the Second Amendment, Telfair once tried to smuggle a gun inside a pillowcase onto the Portland Trail Blazer’s team plane. When arrested, Telfair explained how it wasn’t his gun, that he just accidentally grabbed his girlfriend’s gun when he took the wrong bag… I guess she always carries a gun in her pillowcase.

Needless to say, Pagliuca is all for bearing arms.

So there you have it, Steve Pagliuca's political views. Are you still going to vote for him? I am. So far, everything he's touched has turned to gold.